The Stories We Tell
Why We Get Stuck and How Changing Their Perception and Meaning Will Create a Better You
Stories play such a pivotal role in our lives and it is no surprise — we tell them to ourselves almost every moment of every day in conscious and unconscious thoughts alike. Indeed, these narratives play the leading role in the way we observe and interpret the world around us and everything in it. They heavily influence our personality and decision-making processes, they determine how we feel about ourselves and others, and they dramatically affect our emotional and physical wellbeing when we account for the mind-body connection.
And when we are not telling stories to ourselves? We are frequently engrossed in the stories of those we know through conversation and so fascinated by them that we are drawn to those of complete strangers portrayed in social media and in mediums like television, film, and the written word. In fact, research suggests we use these stories and other modes of distraction to escape the present nearly half of our lifetimes. It is no accident either. We find ourselves continually striving for insight, hope, and encouragement — an insatiable hunger for inspiration and for brief respites from our own stories even in the best of times.
Edit Your Stories and Become a Better You
No matter our confidence level, each of us has a series of narratives and a worldview that often go unchallenged and form many of our core beliefs. For instance, “am I <fill in the blank> enough?”, “do we live in a just world?”, and so on. And when it comes to limiting beliefs and negative experiences? We tend to embellish these stories with counterfactuals that often express themselves as regret over our lifetime.
There are many factors that contribute to this phenomenon. One is called the illusion of truth — the basic idea being the more often something is repeated the more likely we are to believe it regardless of its accuracy. What can compound this problem is the tendency to believe the first versions of stories we hear in what is known as anchoring bias. Add to that our existing mental models to explain them, also known as availability heuristics, and it can become a very serious problem.
So what are we to do? While it can be easy to get discouraged with everything occurring in the world today, individually we have the power to think critically and change our stories in a way that profoundly impacts our lived experience every day. In fact, given the ripple effects our stories have on ourselves and others, I believe we have a moral obligation to do just that. And as paradoxical as it may sound, it all starts with changing the past by editing our stories.
The Best Story Tellers Are the Best Analyzers and Editors
It has been said that all writing is rewriting. In fact, Allison Friederichs suggests as much when she says that the majority of our time in written communications ought to be spent analyzing and editing. There are many reasons for this that vary depending on the type of writing being performed — from ongoing character and plot development to grammar and fact-checking and everything in between. This expression is also quite useful when considering our internal stories. Why?
We are fallible. Our stories are too. Simple logic tells us that it is not reasonable to capture all of the essential context and details along with the motives, emotions, and perspectives of the people that influence any given event we have experienced. Add to that our self-awareness deficits that masquerade as blind spots, triggers, and biases not to mention memory issues caused by stress and it is easy to see why we need to revisit and revise our stories — some more than others.
The Right Tools for the Job
Having the right tools and processes is crucial for virtually all professional endeavors and authoring is no exception. Not only do they improve accuracy and consistency, but they help us be more creative, efficient, predictable, and satisfied with our finished product. And when they are not utilized? We are frequently left with poor results that require more time and effort to fix — often at great personal and material expense.
When it comes to selecting tools to master our internal storytelling there are perhaps no better or more practical tools than those developed within the discipline of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). While there are many to choose from, there are three that I have chosen to highlight here. Fundamentally they help us change perception, change meaning, and when necessary, fully rewrite our narratives.
Cognitive Reappraisal. For those of you familiar with Daniel Kahneman’s work in Thinking Fast and Slow, cognitive reappraisal is a form of system two thinking that attempts to correct for the many cognitive distortions present in system one, our snap judgments. For instance, instead of the negative attributions we assign to people’s motives or character in a given situation we need to make a conscious and deliberate effort to change our perception. We do this by considering things like context and mitigating circumstances, something that comes naturally when we evaluate ourselves. The reason? We have full access to our minds and generally use the process of introspection to slow down and examine our motives and corresponding actions.
Cognitive Reframing. As humans, we have the unique ability to assign and reassign meaning to the events we experience in life. This often takes on the form of turning a negative into a positive. For example, a setback we experience might instead be viewed as the catalyst for growth or a desired transformation. Just as easily however is the process of catastrophizing, seeing the worst possible outcome. This process of changing meaning by looking at an event from another perspective is what is meant by reframing. It is also an application of mental flexibility — one of the core traits for the most successful and resilient people.
Cognitive Restructuring. As good and as practical as changing perception and meaning are for most situations, they have limits. For instance, we may have persistent stories that generate strong emotional reactions and others we tend to ruminate on for days, weeks, or even years. For these scenarios adjusting an existing narrative or framing it differently is not enough. We need a more robust approach that facilitates capturing, evaluating, and restructuring these stories — a thought record.
As its name suggests, the guided process of documenting these stories allows us to slow down and challenge our default thinking patterns. It is when we take the time, either through journaling or other forms of writing, that we begin to think critically about the actual evidence, alternative explanations, and possible outcomes. Taken together these ingredients enable us to create a more balanced story that forms the basis for growth and empowers us to take action.
Bringing It All Together
Like houses, some of our stories are inherited while others may come at great personal expense. Some are intended as starters while others we plan to dwell in for decades. Some stand the test of time and yet others are lost in natural or man-made disasters. In each of those cases, the choice of whether we remain invested in these stories is ours. Do we seek to make thoughtful renovations and perform necessary maintenance over time? Do we experience a life change that has us reconsider prior plans? Or do we choose to abandon a given story altogether and start over?
The answer to these questions ultimately rests in the delicate balance of whether or not the story is serving the best interests of those in our sphere — the ones we love, the ones we influence, and of course ourselves. Regardless of the actual choice we make, it is when we make a good faith effort to improve the stories we tell about ourselves and others that we stand to make the most positive impact in the world around us. It also dramatically shapes the people we become. We begin to see the beauty in the brokenness — in rich color and nuance instead of in black and white. We begin to be more curious and extend grace instead of making snap judgments and shaming. And we also begin to realize the responses and behavior we see in others are often more of a reflection of our own growth, maturity, and character.
Like the images included in this story? If so, check out my Instagram account where I post similar content and write stories recapping my backcountry experiences.
