From Knowledge and Reflection to Insight
My Suggested Reading List for Developing Better Self-Awareness in 2021
A time unlike any other
What words do we use to describe a year like the one we have just witnessed? That saw so many things occur that were unimaginable just twelve short months ago? And even just the last month? There are so many and yet so few. And the number 2020? A peculiar moniker. Like we should have seen it coming — or at least have been better prepared for it. But that’s the thing with experience — we are often blindsided by it and seem to get it right after we need it most.
The need for introspection
Of course, we can’t anticipate everything life seems to throw our way. We can’t hide from its aftermath. We can’t expect everyone to process its effects the same way. We can however take measurable steps to improve outcomes and even prevent many of life’s unwanted events — at least those which are self-inflicted. The biggest culprit in scenarios like this? Often a lack of self-awareness and it’s not as uncommon as one might think.
Much has been written and presented over the past several years on this vital topic — largely driven by the findings of Tasha Eurich and her team. Beyond the important task of formalizing the definition and identifying its components, their research findings revealed that just 10–15% of the people studied fit the criteria of being self-aware.
I find that discovery to be simultaneously fascinating and horrifying, mostly because the majority of us consider ourselves to be self-aware — and not by a small margin. What can be even more surprising? There tends to be an inverse relationship between the assessment of our own self-awareness and our leadership level and/or years of experience in the workplace.
The work is its own reward
The good news? With some knowledge, a developmental mindset and help from trusted others we can all become more self-aware. Like exercise, self-awareness is not an all or nothing proposition and while there can be pain involved, there are definitive short- and long-term benefits. The rewards of this work are almost incalculable too — from stronger relationships and better work performance to more effective communication and healthier teams. Beyond that are the almost inevitable positive side effects like gaining more humility, compassion and kindness — qualities it seems this world could use a lot more of.
My suggested reading list for 2021
It is in that spirit that I provide my suggested reading list for the year ahead. On their own, each of these books has so much to offer. And like my selection last year, it is more than just the standard self-help titles that abound this time of year. The depth and breadth of this collection provides a number of probing entry points, thought-provoking questions and hope in the form of practical guidance for gaining better awareness and coping strategies for many of life’s inevitable challenges.
What better book to lead off this collection than one which equips and inspires us to ask the types of questions so critical at work and in life? In a world infatuated with answers, Warren helps remind us that the process of inquiry is at the core of helping us thrive — like a compass that helps guide us in a rapidly changing world where critical thinking skills are so essential.
While the first four chapters of this title were very good, it’s the final chapter on Questioning for Life that resonates most with the theme of this article. The humble approach to avoid much of the difficulty in our lives? Having an open and curious mindset that asks a basic question: what if I’m wrong? That pause to ask such a simple question is so critical and yet overlooked far too often.
If this year has taught us anything, it is that we need the positive influence of others in our personal and professional lives. In his latest book, Dr. Cloud provides guidance for how to grow and surpass our current limits by surrounding ourselves with the right types of connections — the ones that infuse among other things, energy and intelligence.
Some of the valuable things you will learn here include the importance of bringing the outside in through internalization, the devastating impact of triangulation in organizations and the four archetypes of leadership. This latter concept, which permeates the book, provides a concise way for us to continually evaluate and develop our own leadership tendencies.
The notion that we are to be discovered rather than define who we are is a popular one today. It’s one of the reasons why horoscopes, personality frameworks and memes like the midlife crisis are so popular. The problem? They are limiting beliefs and can be very destructive. And indeed, they are often as damaging as the idea that we are defined by our past, that we have to find our passion and that personality is innate and fixed.
In his book, Benjamin explores these areas and provides a healthy alternative for personal growth that focuses on our future self as the basis for development. Among other things, he also explores the importance of developing a support network that acts as an empathetic witness, the power of the subconscious, and redesigning the environments we find ourselves in to promote growth. This book, like others on the list, is packed with so much practical guidance that I have already returned to it several times and will many more.
When it comes to developing better self-awareness, this might be the most complete title of the bunch. Mindsight, as Daniel reveals, is a learnable skill that underlies what we mean when we talk about having emotional and social intelligence. At its core is the notion of integration — the fundamental way in which we create secure attachments in family units and well-being in all relationships. But there is much more to this title than simply discussing this framework like making sense of our lives and neurobiology to name a couple.
Through many real-life stories from his work in practice, Daniel provides hope and encouragement for all of us, regardless of whether we simply desire to gain more insight and empathy or if we struggle with more significant challenges either individually, in relationships or the family unit. So pretty much all of us.
Emotions dominate our lived experience, that much we know. But the mystery behind their construction has remained elusive until recent advances in neuroscience. From destructing the classical model and exposing its flaws to clearly explaining the interwoven complexity of emotions like our brain’s conceptual model, the process of categorization, the role of our body budget and our brain’s internal statistical learning for prediction, Lisa does an extraordinary job of explaining her emerging theory — The Law of Constructed Emotion.
It is a compelling read and has so many broad applications from understanding how to better regulate our emotions to improving our understanding of different cultures. It is probably the most interesting book in terms of thought experiments I read this year and I am looking forward to seeing how her work influences the ongoing efforts around emotional understanding in Artificial Intelligence.
What started as a simple curiosity around personality frameworks and attachment theory has blossomed into a much more significant interest in mental health topics of all stripes for me in recent years. As a result, I have spent a lot of time researching these areas in various forms — from books and literature to user forums and other assorted content. When I came across Marsha’s title and her revolutionary contributions it only seemed logical to listen to her life story — and a remarkable and inspiring story it is.
In this book, you will hear the extraordinary tale of a young woman who overcame seemingly insurmountable odds to establish herself as an authority in her field and professor emeritus at the University of Washington by developing Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT). While this form of therapy was developed to address a specific set of mental health conditions, it has been recognized as an essential set of life skills for regulating emotions. It seems to me content like this ought to be taught in schools and used by everyone.
Like so many other areas of study, the topic of emotional neglect was new to me this past year. It is a silent and insidious epidemic that has touched each of us in some form or another. And yet, despite its prevalence and the recent emphasis on embracing our emotions, little knowledge of it exists outside of psychological and social work circles.
The most difficult thing about emotional neglect? It often masquerades as what is absent in our lives — a feeling of emptiness. As a result, it goes undiagnosed in most and is unknowingly passed from generation to generation. Its cause most often a lack of emotional connection and validation in our formative years. Not only has Jonice and her colleague Christine made significant contributions by creating a vocabulary around this phenomenon and practical approaches to identify it, but she has worked to develop strategies for healing. And just as importantly, raised awareness to help each of us recognize and avoid the behavioral patterns contributing to this epidemic.
As a culture we tend to avoid difficult topics like this. It is why, despite the uncomfortable subject matter, I have included this title to help drive awareness similar to what I did last year with The Body Keeps the Score. Most of us have heard about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), an often debilitating condition associated with war or other violent trauma that occurs at a point in time. What we often don’t realize however is that PTSD, while generally associated with men, is more than twice as likely to occur in women at some point in their lifetime.
What differentiates Complex PTSD from standard PTSD is the recurring nature of the trauma or emotional neglect over time, often in the home. What Pete Walker provides in this title is hope for those who have experienced these circumstances, or knows someone who has, as well as practical guidance for how to heal from its effects.
This book was my introduction to Whitney and it stands in stark contrast to the other titles in this list. It was probably the most engaging from start to finish too and it had nothing to do with her irreverent humor — although I admittedly did catch myself laughing out loud a time or two, maybe more.
Whitney’s extreme candor and vulnerability, especially with her narrating, made this book one of the most memorable in this collection. It also really hit home in a number of areas and, like so many of the other titles, exposed me to some thinking and perspective that were very timely. I include it in this list because it’s a great example of the value in doing self-work, a crucial ingredient to developing better self-awareness.
Conclusion
The latter half of this collection contains what may appear on the surface to be heavy material not often found in suggested reading lists like this one. This is very intentional and there are a number of reasons for its inclusion beyond being a critical ingredient of self-awareness. The first is that I have developed a strong affinity for normalizing mental health topics after spending so much time researching them in recent years. The second is that removing the stigma that often surrounds mental health depends heavily on our willingness to engage with and understand these topics. And the final reason is helping to promote the notion of psychological safety in our professional and personal lives during these unusually intense and uncertain times — normalizing them helps us do just that.
My hope is that one or more of the titles in this list will resonate with you and help in your own personal development goals. If you have suggestions of your own, or just want to chime in with your own thoughts, please send me a direct message or include them in the comments below.
Originally published at https://www.linkedin.com.
